Kendrick’s Redemption
Jan 1, 2018 4:25:24 GMT -5
Grizzlies GM (Royce), Philadelphia 76ers (Chris), and 3 more like this
Post by The Athletic on Jan 1, 2018 4:25:24 GMT -5
Kendrick’s Redemption: A Shawshank Narrative of Kendrick Perkins’ Ownership
“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”
How Kendrick longed to play again in the NBA again. How he missed the sweat of a hard day’s work, signing autographs and slapping five with his teammates. He missed the hookers. He awoke from his nostalgic daydream to the sound of a pencil being sharpened. Kendrick got back to work in his executive office overlooking the beautiful city of Toronto, running through the team's various cap space maneuvers. That night on the television set, a re-run of Shaqtin a fool was being played, and he cringed. It was one from his Shaqtin MVP season. He grimaced as the replay came on the program, with his former teammate Shaq laughing hysterically as the video of Kendrick initiating the offense ensued, followed by an errant pass that found its way out of bounds. Kendrick knew it was Durant’s fault for not following the play that he created. Yet the world laughed at him. A tear formed in his eye. He had been called a dinosaur. A man with no jumper. Wilt Stumblin. Hakeem No-lojuwon. Just the other day, Bulls GM Charlie even went to the point of saying Perkins suffered from erectile disfunction. At the end of the day, Kendrick Perkins is whom he was meant to be, created by the gods to serve one purpose: Kendrick Perkins is a center.
It was like any other off-season. Kendrick was sitting at home, in his ranch-style house atop
Mt. Olympus, preparing for another season in the NBA. He was engaging with Athena and
Aphrodite in a chatroom, relaying to them how the threesome was going to go down, when
what appeared to be a spam message popped across his screen. Upon closer investigation,
he couldn’t believe his eyes. YACOB6969 was none other than THE Yacob, owner of an NBA
franchise and one of the league’s trade committee members, and he was asking Perk to join
the league as an owner! Yacob cited his knowledge of the game and past playing experience
as beneficial aspects for the league. Kendrick relayed his acceptance to a local herald, who
rushed the message down Mt. Olympus to the people of the world. It was time.
Perkins was lined up to be the next GM of the historic Boston Celtics, prior to receiving a puzzling message. He glanced at his cell phone, and then muttered in his masculine, baritone voice “damn.” Kendrick received the news that he would indeed not become the
GM of the Boston Celtics, and instead was informed via a shady text by Raptors majority owner Larry Tanenbaum of his upcoming employment.
"I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Toronto." - Larry Tanenbaum
Kendrick packed his bags for Toronto, where he was both excited and nervous. His first GM position in the NBA. What could he look forward to? What if the players didn’t like him? What players should he focus on keeping here? The questions were buzzing all around in his superhuman mind, and then it hit him: he had never owned an NBA team before. He had so many questions. He reached out to other owners such as Caleb of the Warriors and Yacob of the Celtics, and asked all the basics on how things worked in the league. Kendrick planned to re-sign Demar Derozan as his first business maneuver. That was prior to hearing theleague-shaking news.
“I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say...I liked Kendrick from the start.” – Masai Ujiri
It had been announced that an entire redraft would occur. Kendrick had the ability to mold his entire team to his liking. How excited he was! With the 12 th pick in the draft, some of his favorite prospects had been taken off the board. But he didn’t panic. His board of puny scouts and coaches alike smiled from ear to ear as they heard the news that Draymond Greenwould become a Raptor. Analysts were quick to criticize the choice, with the assumption that Draymond Green would sacrifice his production with the recent arrival of Kevin Durant.The league’s top writers and reporters were quick to take back the accusation, as it appeared Draymond would continue to thrive. Late in the 2nd round, Kendrick drafted Devin Booker, again much to the surprise of the league’s analysts, who had pegged him for a 3 rd round selection at best, but to the Raptors credit the draft went relatively well. In the first season under Perkins, things were looking up for Toronto. The feeling of excitement that overcame Toronto when Perkins and the Mavericks completed the first official trade involving the Raptors was wonderful. Everyone was happy, except for Kendrick, who had just discovered a bad bit of news regarding his first round selection.
“What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?”
- Perkins, to his former player Draymond Green
Perkins had just learned of Draymond’s snap-chat fap-hat. Draymond had flashed his junk to the world, and Kendrick was unable to block the zebra-looking pork sword from his mind. He knew the image would tarnish the reputation of the league’s only Canadian team. He needed to ensure a positive locker-room vibe for the rest of his players’ mental and physical health, and therefore he began negotiations. The Raptors were only just able to trade Draymond and his grotesque gunk-ram to start the 2017-2018 year.
With Perkins’ second year at the helm of the Raptors, the winning just isn’t there. He has made some trades that haven’t panned out, including one for a guy with a torn ACL. Two of his top players have been injured throughout the season, and recently his top prospect Jaylen Brown has been battling an injury as well. In an attempt to right the ship, Kendrick has tried to lobby with the league to allow him to play for his team as to win an easy championship, but sadly it would be a breach in his contract to play for the same team he manages. Kendrick must therefore balance his desire for a return to the league with his responsibilities as GM for the Raptors. Perk talked to Tanenbaum recently, and in their conversation, Kendrick asked if he would allow him to play once again in the NBA, but for a different team as to not breach his contract. It was a long, difficult conversation filled with raw emotion, cussing, Oscar award-winning speeches, and ultimately the result Perkins was looking for: Toronto would allow him to pursue his playing career while performing his GM duties for the Raptors.
“I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.” – Masai Ujiri
When Adam Silver heard the news that Perkins was once again testing the free agent waters, he immediately requested that Kendrick retire from playing in the NBA permanently. This was largely due to recent concussion studies connecting Perkins to many former players’ head injuries. Perkins couldn’t help it, he just gets in your head. Whether you like it or not. Maybe you shouldn’t try to run through his picks or shoot over him. That’s on you. Silver then tried to change the way Perk looked at basketball, citing the recent “success” of stretch 5’s such as Kelly Olynyk, Thon Maker, Frank Kaminsky and the illustrious Mo Speights. Perkins was not impressed, telling the commissioner that the paint was “his” and that he couldn’t be deterred by simple 3-point attempts or bogus 3-in-the-key calls. Silver went so far as to change the definition of a legal screen in an attempt to discourage Perkins from laying the hurt on other players. But Kendrick setting screens is like a suburban mother to the Kardashians, you just can’t stop it. Silver’s last-ditch effort was to offer Kenrick a full-time job as the commissioner of the NBA, offering to not only immediately step down but to defecate on David Stern’s front door as a notion of tribute. Perk refused, siting his commitment to Toronto and most importantly, himself.
Kendrick had limited opportunities to rejoin the league as a player in the last year. He was invited to join Cleveland’s preseason squad, which he accepted only to then be let go by the team: the most popular reason being cited for this was reported to have been “he frightened LeBron.” With the prospect of adding the Seattle Supersonics and a franchise in Mexico City, Kendrick again became overcome with joy and hope. When asked by both cities to potentially be their franchise player when the teams join the NBA, Kendrick responded very positively. Regarding Mexico City, he offered “I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border to [play in Mexico].” No one is quite sure if Mexico City will be receiving a team soon, as travel concerns and the high altitude make it tough on traveling athletes, but Kendrick had told NBA executives not to worry as his time on Mt. Olympus trains him for any puny hill. Seattle is much more likely to be getting a team back in the near future. On the topic of becoming Seattle’s leader, he said “I hope to see [the new GM] and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.” In the years since Perkin’s last NBA game, hope has become a staple to Kendrick’s character. Perkins’ determination has inspired Adam Silver, who has become close with Kendrick in recent months. When Kendrick heard the news that the expansion teams would not be joining the NBA for at least 5 years, Silver phoned Perkins to offer his encouragement, and that he fully supported Kendrick’s dream. “Remember Kendrick, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
Perk knew that Silver was right. “I still have a good chance” he tells himself every morning when he unlocks the door to his office in Toronto. Kendrick Perkins is resilient. He will not give up on his goal to play in the NBA. He is a man that won’t quit, despite the deck being stacked against him. Determination is in his blood, running through his large arms, his heart, and to the Bulls’ demise, his fully functional penis. "It comes down to a simple choice, really. You either get busy living, or get busy dying." Perkins chooses life.
“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”
How Kendrick longed to play again in the NBA again. How he missed the sweat of a hard day’s work, signing autographs and slapping five with his teammates. He missed the hookers. He awoke from his nostalgic daydream to the sound of a pencil being sharpened. Kendrick got back to work in his executive office overlooking the beautiful city of Toronto, running through the team's various cap space maneuvers. That night on the television set, a re-run of Shaqtin a fool was being played, and he cringed. It was one from his Shaqtin MVP season. He grimaced as the replay came on the program, with his former teammate Shaq laughing hysterically as the video of Kendrick initiating the offense ensued, followed by an errant pass that found its way out of bounds. Kendrick knew it was Durant’s fault for not following the play that he created. Yet the world laughed at him. A tear formed in his eye. He had been called a dinosaur. A man with no jumper. Wilt Stumblin. Hakeem No-lojuwon. Just the other day, Bulls GM Charlie even went to the point of saying Perkins suffered from erectile disfunction. At the end of the day, Kendrick Perkins is whom he was meant to be, created by the gods to serve one purpose: Kendrick Perkins is a center.
It was like any other off-season. Kendrick was sitting at home, in his ranch-style house atop
Mt. Olympus, preparing for another season in the NBA. He was engaging with Athena and
Aphrodite in a chatroom, relaying to them how the threesome was going to go down, when
what appeared to be a spam message popped across his screen. Upon closer investigation,
he couldn’t believe his eyes. YACOB6969 was none other than THE Yacob, owner of an NBA
franchise and one of the league’s trade committee members, and he was asking Perk to join
the league as an owner! Yacob cited his knowledge of the game and past playing experience
as beneficial aspects for the league. Kendrick relayed his acceptance to a local herald, who
rushed the message down Mt. Olympus to the people of the world. It was time.
Perkins was lined up to be the next GM of the historic Boston Celtics, prior to receiving a puzzling message. He glanced at his cell phone, and then muttered in his masculine, baritone voice “damn.” Kendrick received the news that he would indeed not become the
GM of the Boston Celtics, and instead was informed via a shady text by Raptors majority owner Larry Tanenbaum of his upcoming employment.
"I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Toronto." - Larry Tanenbaum
Kendrick packed his bags for Toronto, where he was both excited and nervous. His first GM position in the NBA. What could he look forward to? What if the players didn’t like him? What players should he focus on keeping here? The questions were buzzing all around in his superhuman mind, and then it hit him: he had never owned an NBA team before. He had so many questions. He reached out to other owners such as Caleb of the Warriors and Yacob of the Celtics, and asked all the basics on how things worked in the league. Kendrick planned to re-sign Demar Derozan as his first business maneuver. That was prior to hearing theleague-shaking news.
“I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place. Yeah, I think it would be fair to say...I liked Kendrick from the start.” – Masai Ujiri
It had been announced that an entire redraft would occur. Kendrick had the ability to mold his entire team to his liking. How excited he was! With the 12 th pick in the draft, some of his favorite prospects had been taken off the board. But he didn’t panic. His board of puny scouts and coaches alike smiled from ear to ear as they heard the news that Draymond Greenwould become a Raptor. Analysts were quick to criticize the choice, with the assumption that Draymond Green would sacrifice his production with the recent arrival of Kevin Durant.The league’s top writers and reporters were quick to take back the accusation, as it appeared Draymond would continue to thrive. Late in the 2nd round, Kendrick drafted Devin Booker, again much to the surprise of the league’s analysts, who had pegged him for a 3 rd round selection at best, but to the Raptors credit the draft went relatively well. In the first season under Perkins, things were looking up for Toronto. The feeling of excitement that overcame Toronto when Perkins and the Mavericks completed the first official trade involving the Raptors was wonderful. Everyone was happy, except for Kendrick, who had just discovered a bad bit of news regarding his first round selection.
“What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?”
- Perkins, to his former player Draymond Green
Perkins had just learned of Draymond’s snap-chat fap-hat. Draymond had flashed his junk to the world, and Kendrick was unable to block the zebra-looking pork sword from his mind. He knew the image would tarnish the reputation of the league’s only Canadian team. He needed to ensure a positive locker-room vibe for the rest of his players’ mental and physical health, and therefore he began negotiations. The Raptors were only just able to trade Draymond and his grotesque gunk-ram to start the 2017-2018 year.
With Perkins’ second year at the helm of the Raptors, the winning just isn’t there. He has made some trades that haven’t panned out, including one for a guy with a torn ACL. Two of his top players have been injured throughout the season, and recently his top prospect Jaylen Brown has been battling an injury as well. In an attempt to right the ship, Kendrick has tried to lobby with the league to allow him to play for his team as to win an easy championship, but sadly it would be a breach in his contract to play for the same team he manages. Kendrick must therefore balance his desire for a return to the league with his responsibilities as GM for the Raptors. Perk talked to Tanenbaum recently, and in their conversation, Kendrick asked if he would allow him to play once again in the NBA, but for a different team as to not breach his contract. It was a long, difficult conversation filled with raw emotion, cussing, Oscar award-winning speeches, and ultimately the result Perkins was looking for: Toronto would allow him to pursue his playing career while performing his GM duties for the Raptors.
“I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend.” – Masai Ujiri
When Adam Silver heard the news that Perkins was once again testing the free agent waters, he immediately requested that Kendrick retire from playing in the NBA permanently. This was largely due to recent concussion studies connecting Perkins to many former players’ head injuries. Perkins couldn’t help it, he just gets in your head. Whether you like it or not. Maybe you shouldn’t try to run through his picks or shoot over him. That’s on you. Silver then tried to change the way Perk looked at basketball, citing the recent “success” of stretch 5’s such as Kelly Olynyk, Thon Maker, Frank Kaminsky and the illustrious Mo Speights. Perkins was not impressed, telling the commissioner that the paint was “his” and that he couldn’t be deterred by simple 3-point attempts or bogus 3-in-the-key calls. Silver went so far as to change the definition of a legal screen in an attempt to discourage Perkins from laying the hurt on other players. But Kendrick setting screens is like a suburban mother to the Kardashians, you just can’t stop it. Silver’s last-ditch effort was to offer Kenrick a full-time job as the commissioner of the NBA, offering to not only immediately step down but to defecate on David Stern’s front door as a notion of tribute. Perk refused, siting his commitment to Toronto and most importantly, himself.
Kendrick had limited opportunities to rejoin the league as a player in the last year. He was invited to join Cleveland’s preseason squad, which he accepted only to then be let go by the team: the most popular reason being cited for this was reported to have been “he frightened LeBron.” With the prospect of adding the Seattle Supersonics and a franchise in Mexico City, Kendrick again became overcome with joy and hope. When asked by both cities to potentially be their franchise player when the teams join the NBA, Kendrick responded very positively. Regarding Mexico City, he offered “I find I'm so excited that I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at a start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border to [play in Mexico].” No one is quite sure if Mexico City will be receiving a team soon, as travel concerns and the high altitude make it tough on traveling athletes, but Kendrick had told NBA executives not to worry as his time on Mt. Olympus trains him for any puny hill. Seattle is much more likely to be getting a team back in the near future. On the topic of becoming Seattle’s leader, he said “I hope to see [the new GM] and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.” In the years since Perkin’s last NBA game, hope has become a staple to Kendrick’s character. Perkins’ determination has inspired Adam Silver, who has become close with Kendrick in recent months. When Kendrick heard the news that the expansion teams would not be joining the NBA for at least 5 years, Silver phoned Perkins to offer his encouragement, and that he fully supported Kendrick’s dream. “Remember Kendrick, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
Perk knew that Silver was right. “I still have a good chance” he tells himself every morning when he unlocks the door to his office in Toronto. Kendrick Perkins is resilient. He will not give up on his goal to play in the NBA. He is a man that won’t quit, despite the deck being stacked against him. Determination is in his blood, running through his large arms, his heart, and to the Bulls’ demise, his fully functional penis. "It comes down to a simple choice, really. You either get busy living, or get busy dying." Perkins chooses life.