New Owner Feature: Kendrick Perkins

[The Athletic]

We were lucky enough to able to fly out to the Toronto Raptors facility and have a sit down interview with the ever colorful Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick Perkins (Raptors GM interview)



How have you settled into Toronoto?



To answer how I settled on the Raptors, I was the owner of the Celtics for a few hours before Steve Ballmer had a hissy fit, and all I know is being the bigger man because, once again, I'm Kendrick Perkins. We good though, C’s have a good owner so all is well. The Raptors have Canadian fans from all over, and are our northern brothers. Lots of notable icons come from the north: Céline Dion, Santa Claus, Tormund Giantsbane, etc. In addition to striking fear in their opponents, there is a clear duality with a Raptor as our mascot, as perhaps the Raptors indicate a sort of impending extinction. For example, a comet of absolute savage will strike down the likes of our own Drake, and no doubt Justin Bieber will spontaneously combust one day. As an owner of an NBA franchise, you have to take the good with the bad, and do everything in your power not to be like the Sacramento Kings. Toronto seemed like a worthy challenge, and I am most excited about sitting down to a massive plate of poutine.



So we can tell you are a big Kendrick Perkins fan, how did that come about?



I came out of my mother's womb palming a basketball. At the age of 4, I played a fellow pre-schooler in rocks paper scissors. I rocked him in the face. I had my first kiss in 7th grade, and accidentally popped a boner. She didn't make it. I've had doubters all my life and I wanted to bring that never quit attitude to Toronto. I’ll give you an example. I attended Ozen High School in Texas, and had a wonderful time. I walked to and from school every day with two massive rocks my sophomore year, to build both muscle and character. All of my friends were comparing me to those rocks, calling me dumb, stupid, idiotic and dumb, so I started learning my ABC's, multiplication tables and how to set the table at a fancy dinner party. Besides dumb, I wanted to show that rocks were resilient and emotionless. I took the first rock, and I etched my first high school essay in stone, using nothing more than a feather. I kept the other stone, drew my own face on it, and beat it in a staring contest. It now sits in Dwayne Casey's locker room, and the team has adopted their own motto "Pound the Rock", expecting it to one day break. I won't ruin their fun by breaking it myself; the only one who may have put a dent in it at one point could possibly be Bismack Biyombo, but I love the teamwork that coach tries to promote with that rock.

My motto is "The chicken came before the egg, as all are chicken before the eggs of Kendrick Perkins." I am my own biggest fan.



Could wee see him in sign in Toronto or be drafted as a part of verteran leadership?



I've heard of many successful player coaches. I am considering it, but will certainly add my leadership to our team. I grew up with the Celtics, and learned the values that teamwork has on winning (the right way). I tore my ACL with Boston in the 2010 finals, (or as I like to call the 0010 Finals, because there is BC, Jesus, AD, and KP time). This injury was indeed as many of you expected the result of Satan's jealousy as I beat him weekly in our poker games, and he responded in an unfortunate manner. This has limited my career drastically, and I fully plan on shifting towards full-time GM within the next couple of years. I am however available to play for another team as I manage the Raptors, for those who are hurtin for a Perkins.



What has your experience been before coming in here?



I have been involved in fantasy basketball ever since I was traded to OKC. No hate Danny Ainge, it's probably the only time I've ever cried but I still respect you dawg. I've been in Yahoo leagues, and also ESPN leagues. Last year I was getting so few minutes on the court that I joined 6 leagues. It was more than I could handle, but won the championship in 5 out of those 6 leagues. 12 teamers, and I had KAT in all 6 leagues (4th round, 5th round in my one 10 team league). Who could forget my epic final week win to give me the buy in one league, when I was in need of 3 pointers and had a season ending injury to yet another player. I was in need of 3 pointers, and knowing Pop rests his players, added the great Red Rocket Matt Bonner. Duncan and Aldridge both sat for rest, as anticipated. He got me one 3 pointer. I won that category by one 3 pointer, and won my matchup 5-4. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die (Matt Bonner can now retire a fantasy champion). Two of those leagues were my first experiences with keeper leagues, in which I have built amazing cores of players, although the leagues did not take into account salaries and contracts, as ours does, which makes this league especially difficult. This is my first 30 team league and I'm excited to be a part of it. But I'll still never smile cause Perk has that mean exterior.



We have to ask about Draymond Green. What're the plans with him? He is obviously very talented, but he has had quite the eventful off-season. Have you guys talked and addressed everything? Where does he stand with you guys?



Who, shrimp-dick? Yeah I won't shed a tear if he is traded. There have been a few teams asking on his availability and making offers. But his value is extremely high, even with the arrival of Kevin Durant. He's no doubt a top-20 player in fantasy basketball, and is locked up for 4 years on a pretty reasonable contract given his elite level of play. His physicality reminds me of my own left testicle. I will be fielding offers for him, but even with his small dick he will require a lot of talent back.

I told him if he's gonna be a Raptor, he needs to keep his international wang in his trousers, he needs to give Steven Adams a friendly tug or a date night at some point, and we need to move on with him playing at a high level. I'd kick his bitch ass in a fight so at least he isn't the next KP.



What would you say you need to address before the season starts?



Besides my illegitimate children, I need to keep drafting to contend this season, while maintaining a youthful core if possible. Devin Booker is about the best thing this team has going for us. We do need to make the right trades if they come along. Trading with these other owners will prove almost too difficult if they think my best players are worth a 7th round selection, so I'll likely stand pat on the trade front unless reasonable offers come in. I will have to determine which Canadian national park will be my new campgrounds as well, and I fully intend on finding and mating with the elusive Sasquatch.



What would you say are your goals for this franchise in the up coming years? Are you guys aiming for a title within the next couple years or is it going to be more of a process?



All roads lead to new places. A title run is always a process worth pursuing. I hope to do it the right way. Here’s a message for all these other puny owners, within the next 5 years, I will have won Toronto a title. Unless after 4 years these bitches get all pissy and leave the league or realize they spent all their assets on chances to win at the beginning. Bitches....

[San Antonio Spurs (Chris)]

you know casey stole that motto from pop, right? that was a key component of pop's philosophy, and a poster in our locker room, years before casey's bitch ass tried to claim it as his own, pop just has too much class to call him out on it... i, however, have no such class, so fuck casey in his unoriginal copycat ass

[Toronto Raptors (Perk)]

Didn't know that, cool beans. People will try to emulate the habits and sayings of good coaches if they think it will lead to success.